the problem with negativity is that it’s consuming. it seeps into every aspect of your life and begins taking over before you’re even aware of it, and when you do realize it, it’s a very unsettling feeling. i’ve been unable to identify my moods and how i’ve been feeling lately, all i knew was it wasn’t what it once was. i went to bed last night in that bad mood. my sleep was restless, i was irritated and my heart just felt heavy. i woke up this morning at 5:00 and was still in that mood. i thought about getting up and going for a walk or something but the rain was pretty persistant so i decided to forget that idea. i laid there and had a good conversation with myself, something that’s been in order for a while. i started thinking of the reasons for my discontent. and as i began mentally going over that list, it struck me just how selfish and self-absorbed i’d become recently. the things that were bothering me were not unreasonable for someone to become some-what upset over initially, but to continue in it or to not do anything about it or to not just choose to get over things or to not confront the people who i felt certain ways about… that was entirely my fault. not having a teaching job for the fall threw me for a loop and i began to sulk. feeling like an odd-man-out at church made me feel unliked and i fell into a whoa-is-me mentality. and i got really frustrated with a family situation. these things aren’t all really that horrible to feel from time to time. but to let them go on and on unchecked, isn’t. i realized how infantile i was sounding and had to do some rationalizing in with myself. ok, so the teaching thing isn’t my fault. many many teachers are not going to have a job either so i’m not alone and the state, contrary to how i may feel, is not out to purposefully deny me specifically a classroom. and regarding church, my feelings weren’t valid. while it may be taking longer for me to adjust than i thought it should, that is not the fault of those who have done nothing but welcome me with open arms. there will be personality clashes in any environment so why i thought this would be different is beyond me. and i felt that certain people who had switched to this church with me were fitting in better, and i began to feel jealousy filling me up. this is not ok either. he’s not “more popular,” they don’t “like him better,” he’s not becoming any less my friend just because he’s made new ones. quite contrary actually. what he did was offer his skills and gifts and is being utilized. i have not done that. i have remained in part on the sidelines. which isn’t a bad place, it’s just not fair for me to be jealous and begrudge him any good will simply because i have not stepped up my game and he has. this is something i intend on remedying very soon. although i will not over-commit… i tend to do that. and on the family front, my frustrations are valid. i am just trying to go about fixing how i feel by myself which isn’t working. so i just need to re-adjust my tactics. the other thing is my home life. my roommate has been in a moody and grumpy phase on and off for a while. i love her but lately it’s been a little rough for me. she’s processing some things which have led her to some discoveries about herself which is hard for her to handle, and she tends to get moody anyhow, but lately it’s been amplified and has made me feel like i’ve been living in perpetual negativity. work offers some break from that but lately not so much. our ongoing audit, the kick up of business for summer, some personnel issues… it’s just been a day to day deal as to whether work will be a happy place or not.
all of these things are in and of themselves justifiable ways to feel from time to time. compressed into this exact moment in my life they just fed off of each other and by my allowing them to fester into MY being negative and not dealing with it, my entire demeanor and mood and heart became heavier and darker. my conversation with myself was HUGE. self-realization, prayer, and deciding to kick negativity in the caboose literally changed me. i went back to sleep about an hour and a half later and that was the most restful sleep i’ve had in a week. i know this will take some on going self-maintenance but i feel lighter. my shower felt like it was doing more than cleaning my physical body. it felt like it was washing off the layers of grime inside, which may sound dramatic but that’s exactly what it felt like. negativity is part of life. it’s up to us what we do with it and how often we engage with it. i’ve also noticed that lately, when asked my preference on things, that it’s been far more easy for me to list the things i DON’T like rather than the things i do. happiness is going to make a comeback in my life. IT WILL. the other day i made a list of things i loved. we tend to focus on our irritations over our joys sometimes so making this was a good for me. i’d encourage anyone to try it.
i love inside jokes of the mischivious kind.
i love the glow of soft light, of candles, of fireplaces and little Christmas lights.
i love romance. the thought of being wanted like that makes me smile. and i hold onto the belief that it will soon find me. however cheesy that may sound.
i love words. with them you can create and express and reveal and inspire.
i love how writing can use those words to create song and poetry and reveal the emotion and life that courses through us.
i love having a meal of crackers, cheese, fruit, and red wine.
i love studying people; examining why they behave how they do. everyone has a back story to share and they do, whether verbally or not.
i love books. they teach, they take us into a world unlike our own, they hold endless potential for adventure.
i love blueberry picking.
i love working with clay. the moist and form able goo at my beck and call.
i love Christmas time at my parent’s house. it’s over the top. it’s inviting. it’s familiar and it’s ever-reminding of what what Christmas is all about.
i love food magazines. i pour over them, read recipes and articles over and over.
i love the idea of being a deviant but my conscience gets the better of me and i end up in the mild-mannered mouthy malcontent category instead.
i love dangerous things. volcanoes, sharks, tornadoes, the idea of dragons and dinosaurs and of course, the idea that i would stand firm and brave in the face of all that.
i love beaches. sand between my toes. the warm surface and cool damp underneath. the smells, sounds, and small and almost hidden treasures.
i love hugs and snuggling.
i love to have my fingernails painted, however girly that may be.
i love old beautiful things like old houses, wine goblets, books, chapels and castles, and little old people.
i love mustard. it’s the superior condiment.
i love smoking cigars, the occasional whiskey and swearing every now and then just for shock value.
i love history. learning it, visiting significant places and absorbing it, both the good and the bad.
i love tattoos, flip-flops, funky jewlery, most things potato and cheesy natural disaster movies.
i love my family and God and my cherished friendships with every fiber of my being.