skeletons vs. respect
October 7, 2009i had an interesting conversation earlier this week with a friend regarding respect. she used it in a way i never really had considered.
we were talking about our families and what’s going on in our lives right now, the basic girl catch-up type conversation. you know, the ones that must take place before the real important stuff can be discussed, such as will the bridesmaid dress still fit or why must men behave the way they do sometimes or does it hurt cats when they have sex. i kid you not, this was actually discussed. anyhow, as we were talking, she was talking about her husband TJ, who has been my friend since we were in pre-school together, and she mentioned his reaction to something. a reaction that i’ve often felt but thought it was just me being strange or something so i’ve kept it to myself for the most part.
perhaps it’s us being the oldest siblings or perhaps it’s just our personalities being what they are (we’re pretty alike), but there seems to be this strange phenomenon that happens around us. to us it feels like we’re being kept out of the loop, left out, not trusted. and it conjures up frustration on our part and a confused state of mind. basically, there are times when those close to us keep things from us. i’ve had friends and family members who have had major stuff happen in their lives and tell others, but not tell me. so has TJ. so why don’t we get told? from the perspective of the ‘injured’ party, it seems like we’re not ‘inside the circle of trust,’ or we are just kind of after-thoughts or that we’re perceived as being super judgemental. which is frustrating and at times hurtful. as i was sitting on the couch with my her, she was telling me that she thinks it’s a respect issue. not that they don’t respect us, but more that they respect us so much that they’d rather not disappoint us so they don’t tell us. i honestly had never looked at it like that. to me, i want to know what’s going on in the lives of those i care about. if they’re in trouble or struggling with something or need help i want to know about it. i might not be able to do anything but at least i can offer a hug or a support or say “I love you” and then have a discussion about the issue at hand. i want to be able to live honestly and realistically with my friends. if they do things that i’m not into i don’t want to be left out of the their lives simply because of that. a month or so ago i was hanging out with a couple friends. we ended up after dinner going back to one friend’s apartment. i was told to wait in the hallway until they cleaned some stuff up. when i entered i was thrilled they’d done that because even still, it was most definitely a bachelor pad and i was clearly in man land. but that’s not what bothered me. it was the drug paraphernalia that they cleaned up. i appreciate the gesture i suppose. but i’m not stupid. i know this one friend smokes weed. i’ve known for some time. and they did a poor job of hiding the evidence. so why bother hiding the stuff? it made me irritated all evening. i tried to get over it. were they hiding it because they were trying to girl-ify the place? did he not want me to know? was he embarrassed? was i not trusted with this information? do i come off as a prude and he was just trying to avoid a lecture he thought would come? my frustration quickly turned to being hurt. and i’m not sure why. i think it was partially because they couldn’t be themselves, wholly who they are in front of me and i’ve long thought that i was a comfortable person to be around. with some friends, our lives are open books but with others, not so much. so i’m at a loss for words as to what this all means.
everyone has ’skeletons in their closets’ and everyone has things they are not to proud of. but i’ve always been one that wants to live life how it is. why sugar coat things? right? so when my friend brought up that maybe the reason this kind of thing happens to me and to TJ, it truly is an issue of they don’t want to lose our respect. so if that’s the case, is it something we are to get over or is it something that those who leave us out, need to be more mindful of? i’m not sure. i do know that it’s given me something to think about for sure.
hmmm… that is an interesting question. But I think first and foremost it’s best not to take it personally and remember that they are keeping things from you because THEY are uncomfortable, which makes it THEIR issue, not yours and not about you.
Also, I find it’s easier for people to open up to me if I open up to them a little bit. It lets them know that I might not have gone through the same thing or understand, but at least I’m willing to share and hear them, which makes them feel less judged. We don’t always have to have the right answer or even any answer, but sometimes all we need to do is want to learn something about other people: who they are, what makes them tick, why they are the way they are. People can sense when you want to “help” and often times people don’t want help, they just want to be heard or understood. Knowing someone is the best way to love them.
The respect theory is a good one, but I think it’s going to be different with each person. I also think it goes deeper than that. I have friends whom I respect so much that I don’t want to tell them what i’ve been up to and I also don’t want a lecture from them, but the bottom line is, I’m just not ready to tell them yet. Which again would be MY issue and not anything having to do with them. I’m just not ready to tell them.
But then there is the friend who simply does not want to put as much into the friendship as you do and those you just need to let be. There is nothing you can do about that, just don’t take it personally and move on to make other friends. It is in my liking to have a few close friends in which we do invest equal amounts of efforts into the friendship and really all you need is a few of those. We can’t expect everyone we meet to be like that, nor would we want to, and if it were like that it would be very exhausting and we’d have no time left for ourselves.
That’s all I got. People are fickle and scared, but all we can do is our very best to make them feel at ease and then just learn to wait till they are ready. Selflessness really is the key here. Be there for them, but don’t expect anything from them. They will open up when ready. And if they don’t then just pray because maybe it’s something that may take a long time for even them to be ready to admit to themselves.
Peace, out.
P.
With that individual it has nothing to do with you or respect. It has everything to do with him. He lies. He lives lies. He hides from intimacy by the walls of his lies. This was just another attempt at lying/covering up who he is and what he does. I think some lies/coverups/hidings from people (not only you and TJ) are a result of what and who the other person is. This individual cannot handle intimacy- the kind of relational intimacy (not sexual sense). He cannot let people see who he truly is. Even his closest friends do not know him completely. I’m working off the definition of “into me you see” kind of intimacy. So, in this case, it is not about you, it is about him and his journey in life and his need to break down the walls. But then again, I am just a Jaded Girl, so take my thoughts with a bucket of salt instead of just a grain. Honesty must occur if intimacy is to be shared.