in the blink of an eye

i’ve often wished my eyes were cameras where i could snap a photo with a blink.  i stare out my window as i drive and see a striking image and in the blink of an eye the image is changed or gone.  i look up at the sky and am in awe of the sunsets over the water and in the blink of an eye the sun sets and it’s dark.  i see sweet interaction between a father and son as i walk around the lake and in the blink of an eye the kid goes from giggling and smiles to screaming fits of toddler rage.  spur of the moment get-togethers with friends that turn into the most fun you’ve had all week and in the blink of an eye, we’re all home and in bed and no photo was taken. 

thru my eyes i see your world,

thru my lens another viewpoint is exposed.

photos capture the subtle things in the chaos of the moment.

photos capture the joy in the eyes,

eyes that are so wrapped up in the moment that they don’t see how beautiful they are.

we will always remember weddings, birthdays, holidays and celebrations,

but photos are snap shots and still frames our minds might be otherwise inclined to forget. 

taking pictures is therapeutic for me.  half of them i don’t use.  the way i look at it is, if you take 50 shots, at least 20 of them are guaranteed to be decent.  i think for me too, if i’m in a funk or i’m having a bad day, or i’m sad or depressed or needing a hug but no one is around, or i’m being an irrational female… whatever it is… looking at those pictures can be calming or can life you up or can make you smile.  even if one small smile is the result, it’s worth it.  the capturing of a beautiful sunset or of the beach with mt. rainier in the background can serve as reminder of how magnificent creation is.  not that we don’t recognize this, but sometimes living in a cement jungle we forget just how beautiful the world is.  and if in the small moments in our daily life, those small but beautiful moments can be captured…

we are like recipes

i’m relatively normal.  there isn’t overtly outrageous or striking or unique about me at first glance.  i’m a 20-something female, i was born into a middle class family in suburban america.  i am college educated, i participated in sports and have friends and a car and a cell phone and am blessed beyond belief.  so really, i’m typical when it comes to my surroundings. i’ve tried all my life to stand out and be ‘unique.’  outwardly for a hefty chunk of my life i tried to blend in and become invisible but as a person, i wanted to find my niche.  i wanted to be known for something or to be special or to somehow stand apart from the others.  i was thinking bout this on my way into work today for some reason and i came up with a rather cheesy but true analogy.  i think we’re like recipes.  take mexican food for example (one of my faves by the way!!).  the basic ingredients are the same.  beans, rice, meat, salsa, cheese, lettuce, tomato, tortillas… right?  so what is it that differentiates a taco from a burrito from an enchilada from a tostada?  i mean really, they are made of the same essential ingredients that have just been rearranged.  so what makes them different?  it’s the small things.  it’s the spices, it’s the sauces, it’s the cooking methods, it’s the small things added to these basic ones that make them stand apart.  i think we’re like that.  i think we sometimes try, i know i do anyhow, to pretend that i’m not the 20-something  female from the pacific northwest who loves coffee.  because lets be honest, i am, i do, and so are a whole lot of other people!  it’s the small things that i love, that i spend my time on, that i’m invested in, that i get attitude over and on behalf of, my likes and dislikes, my experiences, my quirks, my passions… those are what differentiate me from the others.  and that’s what makes me special.  i think it’s time to not be embarrassed or to ignore who we are and where we came from but instead embrace it and then take that and play around with the recipe.  right?  i don’t really know what made me think about this on my drive.  i’ve been processing a lot lately…

not to be missed

my dad loaned me the book “Miracle in the Andes” and i honestly wasn’t quite sure what i would think. i have to say, it was one of the best books i’ve read in a long time. i was certainly pleasantly surprised. it’s a true story about a plane full of rugby players from Uruguay whose plane crashes high up in the Andes Mts., they were there for 72 days. it was full of raw emotion, graphic word images, and definitely not a book for those who want to believe that the world is a cushy little bubble full of kitties and unicorns. i was also captured by the writing. the way he described things, from a wordsmiths perspective, was great! anyhow, you should read this book. it challenged me quite a bit too.
one thing that was a topic of discussion through the book was death, clearly, considering their situation. there were several quotes from the book that i wrote down. some because i just loved the wording of it, but some because it was just a good quote and spoke to me. one in particular was:

“The opposite of death is love. How had I missed that? How does anyone miss that? Love is our only weapon. Only love can turn mere life into a miracle and draw precious meaning from suffering and fear.”

there were many other good lines from this book, and like this one, they all kept me thinking.

when the past is the present

at one point in our lives do we stand up and be our own person?  i mean without using the crutch ofchildhood experiences or high school school drama as an excuse for our behavior?  i often hear people say that the reason they are who they are is because of how they grew up.  true, we are products of our environment.  but how we react to stuff, and the decisions we make and how we conduct our lives in the present here and now, we are solely responsible for that.  right?  you hear news stories about how so-and-so did this-or-that because of some egregious act committed against them when they were 10.  i’m not down-playing that.  i’ve never been abused, i’ve never been raped, i’ve never been assaulted, i’ve never seen something so outrageous that it altered my being… so i’m not passing judgment.  what i am saying is, should those things be an excuse for poor adult behavior?  and even things not so outrageous as that, like living with a dysfunctional family or having low self-esteem or being fat or being socially awkward or being whatever… are these things excuses for our behavior?  i hear news headlines about people who do things and it’s inevitable that at some point in the broadcast that it will be mentioned that they were abused as children or they were picked on when they were in elementary school.  ok, those things are not good.  but that should play no part in the situation at hand right?  or should it?  i have some people i know, we all do, who do dumb things.  and they use the past to rationalize the behavior.  i suppose that a lot of that is natural and we all do it, sure.  i find myself doing it too.  i had self-esteem that was in the toilet when i was younger.  and i still have moments of fragility when it comes to certain self-esteem issues.  and sometimes i use that as a crutch for not doing things, or for reasons why i behaved certain ways or whatever.  and i have to stop myself because i’m an adult.  i’ve moved past that part of my life, it needs to not be the filter through which i live. i have another guy i know who, when it comes right down to it, can be a complete ass a lot of the time.  and when i get irritated by this, people have said “oh he had a rough childhood, his father was really distant and it was tough for him.”  ok, i understand that.  i get that that would have been rough.  but should it be an excuse for the asinine behavior to continue? maybe it’s because i never dealt with that sort of thing so my reality is different than his.   but i just get so tired of people not stepping into themselves, figuring out how they want to conduct their own lives and chosing to be themselves and not living vicariously through the past.  again though, i’m not downplaying horrendous experiences, i’m not saying that that doesn’t impact people big time because it does.  i simply think, it’s a decision to rise up and out and be better…

the great entertainment debate

this isn’t a ‘note’ on michael jackson. but his death has brought back to my mind something that i thought about a while ago. is it possible to separate the entertainment value someone offers to the public while you don’t agree with how they’ve conducted their lives and hold very little respect for them? i got into a semi-heated discussion with someone over the rapper snoop dogg. i don’t like his music. i find him annoying, and he’s not someone who appeals to me in any way shape or form. but it’s what he stood for that i find the most detestable. the things he chooses to put his money into, the his public lifestyle, his attitude, his values, the way he values women and children… i find him reprehensible. i’m sure there are things in his life that he’s done right, that’s not my point. but the overall image i get of him and how he’s perceived, makes me not want to purchase his music. but then i felt slightly convicted inside. michael jackson’s death made me re-think about this. i have the ‘thriller’ album. i’ve long enjoyed the michael jackson stuff from the 80’s and 90’s. i think he was a fantastic entertainer, what he added to music, whether you enjoy his stuff or not, is indisputably huge. there have been lots of rumors of pedophilia among lots of other things. none of which he’s been convicted of, but i’m not convinced he’s innocent. which, i dont’ want to get into. my point is, if things come out, as things often do after deaths of the famous, do i stop listening to him? then another singer came into my head. amy winehouse’s music i actually enjoy. her life is a total wreck though. she’s in and out of rehab (no pun intended), she’s a drug addict, and buying her CD’s would financially contribute to that. but her music style i dig. then there’s the directer guy, don’t remember his name, anyhow, he’s rich and famous and had earned himself lots of acclaim for his work. but he’s a convicted child rapist in his home country and that seems to get glossed over. so do i stop watching his work even though i enjoy the films he makes? where is the line? everyone’s got ’skeletons in the closet’ and i’m not sure that that should impact how i view their entertainment. but i’m not sure it shouldn’t. i’m honestly torn. and i kind of feel like a semi-hypocrite…

i will not live passively

i have been accused of being loud, eccentric, sometimes unteachable and possibly strange.  but one thing i am not is passive.  not out of arrogance or price do i stand, but out of passion.   there are just certain things in life that demand a voice, demand movement.  to often we sit idly by and passively float through life because we dare not cause a scene.  we don’t want to be seen as trouble makers or disturbers of the peace.  i challenge that notion.  to stand for what is right, to not submit to the status quo… that is the challenge.  the woman who was just killed in Iran dared to stand for justice.  a little girl’s life was threatened because she dared to defend a friend.  i was picked on because i dared stand up for those who couldn’t.  to live passively is not something i intend to do.  i was given a voice, i intend to use it. 

i’m tired of getting shushed for things that are worth being loud about.  i’m tired of seeing others who feel the same.  we have become too quiet, quiet on the things that matter.  not near enough do christians  stand up loudly and declare what they know is right, especially among their own.  we’ve allowed for exceptions to the rules when it comes to one another.  i’m thinking, but this may just be me, that these rules are probably the most important to adhere to.  but again, that’s just me.  not near enough to we challenge local government.  the change has to start with the small voices of us, the people.  becoming verbal against local politics is frowned upon though and so we don’t do it enough.  i’ve been in countries where they have no choice BUT to be vocal and challenge authority because if they don’t it could be life altering.  we need that sort of urgency and we need to care more about that sort of thing. 

i don’t know, maybe i’m just looking for an outlet to talk and to be loud and to be a malcontent.  but maybe, just maybe, for some things that’s ok?  hm…

a prayer

the reasons for my sins are petty

symptoms of ignorance,

and a misunderstanding of your grace.

i stumble and fall all the while

clamoring to get a glimpse and piece of you.

your faithfulness and love are thirst quenching,

they are enough.

i am in love with you and do a shoddy job,

a shoddy job representing you and your mission.

but time and time again i am wrapped

in your arms.

swaddled in your presence and peace,

and for that i am eternally grateful.

to have passion

have you ever wished upon a star, only to have your wish not become?

have you ever thrown a penny in a well, and no good luck came?

have you ever crossed your fingers, knocked on wood, or thrown salt for good luck? 

only to experience ‘when it rains it pours’ in your life and you just end up wet and no better off?

passion is often mis-defined. 

we wish for it to fill us, we pray for it to consume us, we live wholeheartedly for it.

our passion was gifted to us, for we were created for a purpose.

but with passion comes pain. 

to have passion comes the great responsibility and honor to suffer and work and sacrifice for our dreams, for what fills us. 

passion is worth the fight.  it’s worth the frustration. 

if it’s for good, if it’s a worthy cause, if it’s from God… it’s worth it and always pays off.

the tornado effect

i’ve always been facinated by tornadoes.  when i was younger i wanted to be a tornado chaser.  i still am in awe of their power and destructive forces and find them really cool (not the destruction, just the tornado itself, just to clarify.) on my lifetime goals list is to see one.  anyhow, i was reminded of tornadoes the other day in an unassuming way.  this last week has been full of conversations with people who are going through some really tough life situations right now.  a couple weeks ago i was in a ‘life fog,’ as i like to call them, and was just out of it.  the negativity and crap and other things seemed to consume all my thoughts.  i’ve worked through them and am doing much much better.  now this week, when i’m having one of the best weeks of the year thus far, it seems as though a lot of my friends are in the boat i was in a while ago.  i was doing some writing last night, and when i write my mind wanders and random thoughts pop into my brain.  the way life is right now and tends to go, reminded me of a tornado.  tornadoes are formed by air pressure and other weather factors being all lined up and present at the same time.  they pop down wherever and it’s hit and miss as to whether or not it will hit your house or your property or your town.  if you look at towns that have had tornadoes touch down, one side of the street will be completely destroyed while the other side will be relatively untouched.  and then, without warning, the tornado just picks itself up and vanishes.  life seems like that to me sometimes.  like right now for instance.  a storm touched down in my life and had the potential to do some damage, then it lifted and set down in the lives of my friends.  while they are now dealing with some pretty heavy stuff, my life is seeming pretty calm.  i think sometimes God’s hand is in that.  they have all come to me or i have felt the urge to go to them, and had my life been in the tangled mess it was in a while ago, i would have been of absolutely no use to them now in their time of hurt.  anyhow, that was my random thought tangent from last night.

the problem with negativity

the problem with negativity is that it’s consuming.  it seeps into every aspect of your life and begins taking over before you’re even aware of it, and when you do realize it, it’s a very unsettling feeling.  i’ve been unable to identify my moods and how i’ve been feeling lately, all i knew was it wasn’t what it once was.  i went to bed last night in that bad mood.  my sleep was restless, i was irritated and my heart just felt heavy.  i woke up this morning at 5:00 and was still in that mood.  i thought about getting up and going for a walk or something but the rain was pretty persistant so i decided to forget that idea.  i laid there and had a good conversation with myself, something that’s been in order for a while.  i started thinking of the reasons for my discontent.  and as i began mentally going over that list, it struck me just how selfish and self-absorbed i’d become recently.  the things that were bothering me were not unreasonable for someone to become some-what upset over initially, but to continue in it or to not do anything about it or to not just choose to get over things or to not confront the people who i felt certain ways about… that was entirely my fault.  not having a teaching job for the fall threw me for a loop and i began to sulk.  feeling like an odd-man-out at church made me feel unliked and i fell into a whoa-is-me mentality. and i got really frustrated with a family situation.  these things aren’t all really that horrible to feel from time to time.  but to let them go on and on unchecked, isn’t.  i realized how infantile i was sounding and had to do some rationalizing in with myself.  ok, so the teaching thing isn’t my fault.  many many teachers are not going to have a job either so i’m not alone and the state, contrary to how i may feel, is not out to purposefully deny me specifically a classroom.  and regarding church, my feelings weren’t valid.  while it may be taking longer for me to adjust than i thought it should, that is not the fault of those who have done nothing but welcome me with open arms.  there will be personality clashes in any environment so why i thought this would be different is beyond me.  and i felt that certain people who had switched to this church with me were fitting in better, and i began to feel jealousy filling me up.  this is not ok either.  he’s not “more popular,” they don’t “like him better,” he’s not becoming any less my friend just because he’s made new ones. quite contrary actually. what he did was offer his skills and gifts and is being utilized.  i have not done that.  i have remained in part on the sidelines.  which isn’t a bad place, it’s just not fair for me to be jealous and begrudge him any good will simply because i have not stepped up my game and he has.  this is something i intend on remedying very soon.  although i will not over-commit… i tend to do that.  and on the family front, my frustrations are valid.  i am just trying to go about fixing how i feel by myself which isn’t working.  so i just need to re-adjust my tactics.  the other thing is my home life.  my roommate has been in a moody and grumpy phase on and off for a while.  i love her but lately it’s been a little rough for me.  she’s processing some things which have led her to some discoveries about herself which is hard for her to handle, and she tends to get moody anyhow, but lately it’s been amplified and has made me feel like i’ve been living in perpetual negativity.  work offers some break from that but lately not so much.  our ongoing audit, the kick up of business for summer, some personnel issues… it’s just been a day to day deal as to whether work will be a happy place or not. 

all of these things are in and of themselves justifiable ways to feel from time to time.  compressed into this exact moment in my life they just fed off of each other and by my allowing them to fester into MY being negative and not dealing with it, my entire demeanor and mood and heart became heavier and darker.  my conversation with myself was HUGE.  self-realization, prayer, and deciding to kick negativity in the caboose literally changed me.  i went back to sleep about an hour and a half later and that was the most restful sleep i’ve had in a week.  i know this will take some on going self-maintenance but i feel lighter.  my shower felt like it was doing more than cleaning my physical body.  it felt like it was washing off the layers of grime inside, which may sound dramatic but that’s exactly what it felt like.  negativity is part of life.  it’s up to us what we do with it and how often we engage with it.  i’ve also noticed that lately, when asked my preference on things, that it’s been far more easy for me to list the things i DON’T like rather than the things i do. happiness is going to make a comeback in my life.  IT WILL.  the other day i made a list of things i loved.  we tend to focus on our irritations over our joys sometimes so making this was a good for me.  i’d encourage anyone to try it. 

i love inside jokes of the mischivious kind.

i love the glow of soft light, of candles, of fireplaces and little Christmas lights.

i love romance.  the thought of being wanted like that makes me smile. and i hold onto the belief that it will soon find me. however cheesy that may sound.

i love words.  with them you can create and express and reveal and inspire.

i love how writing can use those words to create song and poetry and reveal the emotion and life that courses through us.

i love having a meal of crackers, cheese, fruit, and red wine.

i love studying people; examining why they behave how they do.  everyone has a back story to share and they do, whether verbally or not.

i love books.  they teach, they take us into a world unlike our own, they hold endless potential for adventure.

i love blueberry picking.

i love working with clay. the moist and form able goo at my beck and call.

i love Christmas time at my parent’s house.  it’s over the top.  it’s inviting.  it’s familiar and it’s ever-reminding of what what Christmas is all about.

i love food magazines.  i pour over them, read recipes and articles over and over.

i love the idea of being a deviant but my conscience gets the better of me and i end up in the mild-mannered mouthy malcontent category instead.

i love dangerous things.  volcanoes, sharks, tornadoes, the idea of dragons and dinosaurs and of course, the idea that i would stand firm and brave in the face of all that.

i love beaches. sand between my toes. the warm surface and cool damp underneath.  the smells, sounds, and small and almost hidden treasures.

i love hugs and snuggling.

i love to have my fingernails painted, however girly that may be.

i love old beautiful things like old houses, wine goblets, books, chapels and castles, and little old people.

i love mustard. it’s the superior condiment.

i love smoking cigars, the occasional whiskey and swearing every now and then just for shock value.

i love history.  learning it, visiting significant places and absorbing it, both the good and the bad.

i love tattoos, flip-flops, funky jewlery, most things potato and cheesy natural disaster movies.

i love my family and God and my cherished friendships with every fiber of my being.

i love…